Now What? Finances After Loss: Planning and Community Support Lessons After Losing a Spouse

Transcript

I remember sitting in that ICU room, and he was in a deep sleep or coma, whatever. And I remember thinking, I think our mortgage is due today or tomorrow.

And not knowing if he was going to wake up or anything, I remember leaning over and saying, Roger, I don’t know what to do. I know we have our mortgage due and I don’t know I don’t know where to go.

Welcome to the True Wealth podcast, where happiness is more often found in the soul of someone’s wealth rather than the size of it. Money, after all, is a tool. It’s not the destination. Money is the fuel to advance your core values and purpose. Join us as we share some inspiring stories, true wealth life lessons, and practical strategies to help you design a life of intention, generosity, and fulfillment. Guests on the True Wealth podcast are not affiliated with CWM LLC.

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Hey, True Wealth Nation. I am so excited for today’s episode because you’re in for a special treat. Regular listeners will know from recent episodes that we have been going through the various life stages, and it was our plan to move right into the nine principles of true wealth. But every so often the right conversation and guests or guests come along and we just have to pause, change course, mainly because the conversation is just too good and it deserves an immediate space in the series.

The conversation in this episode is similar to what would happen in one of our coffee and conversation groups like Conversations with Widows or Conversations with Widowers, Navigating Life After Divorce.

It’s centered around people navigating similar life experiences, offering connection, perspective, and understanding. The conversations could be around any of the life stages or life celebrations or even shared struggles.

Now we’re joined in the studio with co host Ryan Ovenen along with our friends and special guests, Jan and Sandy. The conversations today carry with it a vulnerable heart that includes depth, honesty, challenges, hope, and direction. A special thank you to Jan and Sandy for sharing a conversation about each of their stories. Now this could possibly go longer than our regular episodes, but no worries. Maybe we’re just going to turn it into two.

We’re honored to share this conversation with you, and we invite you to listen with an open heart. And with that, I’ll turn it over to Ryan.

Well, we are so excited about this episode of the True Elf podcast. We have two special guests with us today. We have Jan Noor and Sandy Fink.

Some some what feels like very longtime friends. We’ve been working together for a few years now.

And and but I feel like I’ve known you for a long time.

So we have we have Jan and Sandy on the podcast today to talk about the the experience that they’ve had both becoming widows at about the same time. And we we wanna share their story today with the goal of really getting in in in-depth on what they’ve learned through their experience and and with the goal of helping all of our listeners to be able to hopefully implement some of the things that they have implemented and learn from what they’ve learned so that so that they can heal in a in a positive way the way that Jan and Sandy have. So, Jan and Sandy, thank you so much for being here. First of all, I wanna ask you guys to just take a moment to introduce yourselves to our audience.

Why don’t we start with Sandy? Go ahead and introduce yourself and, yeah, tell us a little bit more about you.

I’m Sandy Fink. I’m Jan’s older sister, Even though nobody can believe that. Just kidding. I was but I have three children. Jim and I were married for fifty one years and before he passed in March of twenty four, he passed of Alzheimer’s.

We’ve been so blessed to have Ryan getting us through this, well, Jim’s death and through all of our financial things. I’ve never had anyone like him to help me, and that’s just been wonderful for me.

Well, thank you. Thank you, Jan. You first of all, you’re too kind. Yeah. You you were doing a great job on your own, but we we had done some planning that I think that I think really helped in the long term to to shorten that time period where when you feel like the dust is settling and you can finally feel like you have a control of things again and you feel like you’re not drowning, it’s amazing how planning can help with that.

So we’ll talk a little bit more about that in a minute. But, Jan, I want you to introduce yourself as well. Jan Noor.

Yes. I’m Sandy’s younger sister, and I grew up in Sioux Falls and went to Augustana College, graduated, and got married after a year after graduation.

And I also have three children.

And my husband and I were Roger was a pastor, and so we did some moving around in our lives. We first lived in Mobridge, South Dakota, and then we moved to Fairfield, Montana for three years, lived in Rapid City for eight years, lived in Aberdeen for twenty nine years, and then moved to Sioux Falls in our retirement thirteen years ago.

So we’ve lived here for the last thirteen years, and my husband had a stroke in twenty twenty one. And we yes. We’ve navigated this life now, the last three and a half, four years. And I agree with Sand. I’m so grateful that we found Ryan, and I’ll tell you about that later.

So Well, thank you.

So why don’t we why don’t we start with you, Jan? Tell me more about Raj. You said Raj was a pastor, and so you guys moved around. And and just to give you guys some context here, Jan and Raj are the people who know everyone.

If if if one of them doesn’t know someone, the other one did know them at at one point or another, and they have contacts all over the place. Raj was an amazing pastor, made a made a huge impact in people’s lives. And so he was busy a lot. He was gone a lot, but you were a teacher as well.

You were a kindergarten teacher, so you were gone a lot as well. Tell me in the chaos of life raising kids, living life together, doing ministry together.

When it came to your finances, what who who was in charge of the finances, and and what was your financial role while you were married and and raising kids and that sort of thing?

That’s a really good question because Sandy and I grew up in a house where finances were a constant stress for our mom and dad. And we things were never handled in a very appropriate way financially.

So Sandy and I never really had a very healthy view of how to even navigate finances. So when Roger and I got married, he’s older than me. He’s seven years he was seven years older than me. So I was just fresh out of college.

I was a terrible money manager. I honestly was. And because I never knew how.

And so Roger had lived alone for seven years before I came along. And so he kind of naturally took over that financial part of our life. And, honestly, it was partly my fault because I I just was a little afraid of it, I think. I had kinda PTSD from growing up with financial difficulties.

And so I think I buried my head in the sand a lot and let Roger just kind of take over with that. And I was busy doing other things. So we kind of had our roles. And it seems I don’t know.

From what I’ve when I’ve talked to people, it’s either one it seems like it’s either one or the other. I don’t know if that’s the way it was in our house anyway.

Right. So Rod kinda Rod did it. Finances. He he was the he was older. He was the he had this gentle shepherding spirit about him, very grace filled, but also had this responsibility

Aura about him. I mean, he he was a guy who was gonna take care of his family.

He and and so he basically ran the finances. Right? He paid the bills, made sure everybody was okay. And and you were okay delegating that. Right? Okay.

I was and it’s interesting being a pastor too because when we lived when we moved from Mobridge to Fairfield, Montana, we moved into a parsonage, so we didn’t own our own house.

We I mean, I’m sure we got some pay from the congregation to save. And, I mean, it just seemed like there were some really slim years that we that finances were really an issue when we were in Montana, overflowing into when we were in Rapid City because we were starting a family. I wasn’t working outside the home. He wasn’t in a profession that he was making very much money.

And I remember living paycheck to paycheck and feeling like, okay. It’s Monday, and we have ten dollars in our checking account to last until Thursday. And just watching that so closely. And it wasn’t it wasn’t a good time to you know, I I it was very stressful.

Yeah. I would have to say. Yeah. Even though we were doing the best we could, but you know?

Great. Yeah. You yeah. I mean, you both chose professions that were service professions that were putting other people first, investing in other people.

And from what I know of both of you, that’s what you spent your life doing was investing in in others. And so but it’s interesting on the other side of it now where I think there’s some more confidence in your finances than there maybe have been. Mm And and you’re in a better position than you maybe ever thought that you could have been in. Yep.

And so it’s interesting to see how god provides.

It is.

Even as even and especially through the hard times.

It is.

But but then, you develop these habits and you go, okay, well, maybe this is kind of my area of expertise. This is my corner. I’ll set or I’ll stay in my lane and the finances aren’t my lane. But at a certain point, if the person who lives the longest is not the financial person, that can create some difficulty too.

And we’ll get into that in a minute. But I wanna hear from Sandy first too. Sandy, tell me more about your story with Jim because Jim was a military man. So you guys were similar to Jan in in that you didn’t have one house that you lived in for fifty years.

Correct?

There was some moving around and raising of kids and a totally different scenario. Tell tell me more about that.

Well, actually, Jim was a physician assistant and his military background was he was in the reserves for about twenty some years after being in it for four years, excuse me, active when he was younger. So we he kinda had both jobs and would be the weekend once once a month that he would go down to to Omaha or he would be at Offutt.

And like Jan said, we grew up in a family where you could always knew when their finances were not good.

But we you know, they didn’t talk about it, but we we knew it. And so when Jim and I got married, we talked about financial things, and he really encouraged me to be in charge of the finances. But we did it together for a long time, and then after a while, I just took it over because he just, you know, he just was was fine with me doing it. And like what Jan said, there were some years that were like and I did I stayed home for about ten, eleven years while we had our children and went back to work. So there were some slim years there where Jim and Jim was a physician assistant, but he wasn’t making that much money. He was the first one in South Dakota. So he was just kind of the newbie.

So salary wasn’t real real He was the groundbreaker.

Right?

He was the groundbreaker.

So I yeah. I remember times like, how are we gonna get to the next paycheck? You know? And and I was in charge of it. So, you know, I was I was usually was pretty more stressed than Jim would be about it. But so in that way, I’m very, very grateful that I was the one doing this doing the financial things because when Jim passed, it was something that I had already known how to do and was able to do.

And I think that’s important as as I look back now how important it is for both both of the people in the relationship that should be really doing it together. So because you never know if one’s left or the other. And like I say, Ryan, you helped us so much more, and we’re doing way better than we ever thought we would or I ever thought I would.

So, you know Well, we can and we can help on, you know, the things like the tax planning and the, you know, income planning and how are the investments doing and do we need insurance for this or that?

But but from a day to day basis, when I asked the question, you know, who was kind of in charge of finances? Are you guys talking about paying the bills, making sure that the lights are on? Yes. That sort of thing.

Who would you say was maybe helping who is in charge of that portion, the other portion? Maybe like the, what do we do with the four zero one ks? Do we have enough life insurance? Did you guys were you both involved?

Relationship.

We were both a part of that.

Yeah. I did do the day to day financial things.

And, Jan, how about Jan, how about you?

Well, Roger, again, a lot of that was through the church, through the you know? And he he understood that program. So I guess I would have to say he was kinda the one. I mean, we did talk about things.

It wasn’t like I was totally oblivious to what what our financial situation was. But I would say that, you know, when he would go to a meeting or something and the pastors would talk about what they’re doing, and he I I guess I just sort of felt like I knew I had confidence that he was doing what we needed to do. On the other hand, I remember a couple of times going on a date with him and having supper. And the first thing even before we’d order a glass of wine, he’d bring out the either he’d write on the napkin or something, oh, our financial situation.

It’s like, we’re out on a date. We don’t need to know our financial. We didn’t always choose the right times to talk about it. Or I should say, he didn’t.

Right. He isn’t here to defend him. Right.

I could see that, though. I I mean, it’s and it’s it’s hard. From a husband’s perspective, it’s hard if you’re the one in charge of the finances. How do you communicate with your wife in a way that she wants To be communicated with that isn’t gonna cause stress.

Right. Because usually in a relationship and and I found that with a number of our clients, it doesn’t, it’s not even necessarily a male or female thing. It’s a, one of us is just more comfortable. Right.

Money or and with numbers and one of em’s not as comfortable. Right. And a lot of times, we we end up not necessarily communicating and saying, okay, well, Jan, you’re going to do this and this and this and I’m going to do this and this and this. It’s more of a, you fall into it.

Right. And go, well, I guess I’m. Right. Guess I’m in charge. Right. Yes. I guess somebody has to pay the bills.

So that’s And we like that. And we would often say, you know, he would say to me, Jan, you should take over some of this, and I would want to.

But then it just kind of worked out that I didn’t. So, yeah, when he had his stroke, I just remember feeling like I remember sitting in that ICU room, and he was in a deep sleep or a coma or whatever. And I remember thinking, I think our mortgage is due today or tomorrow.

And not knowing if he was going to wake up or anything, I remember leaning over and saying, Roger, I don’t know what to do. I know we have our mortgage due, and I don’t know where to go.

And he didn’t respond for like a minute, maybe two, maybe it was even thirty seconds, but it seemed like a long time.

And then he said, go see he named two girls, two young women at US Bank that he loved banking with these young women.

And but when he said that, it was just like, oh my gosh. You’re gonna be okay. And he wasn’t. But anyway, we that was my beginning. Yeah. My kickoff. Yeah.

So tell me more about that. What what would you suggest?

Because people listening don’t know what they don’t know. They don’t know what they’re gonna go in the future.

Could have been done in advance to help you to have more confidence that things are gonna be okay even if, let’s say Raj is incapacitated for a month and I just need to make sure that everything paid for. Did you guys ever have a discussion about did you have access to the ability to pay all of the bills and know where to do all of that?

Sure. We yes.

We had a kind of a ledger thing, and we had a system, and we both were very aware of I mean, I was very aware of what what the system was. Yeah. And I knew where everything was. So it that part of it wasn’t hard.

But the part that I really needed help with was when we went to our tax preparer, and it was more of getting like an overall picture of where we were financially. We had pieces in different places and nothing was in the same place. And I think that was my frustration was wanting to get everything in one place so I knew exactly where we were. And so I asked our tax preparer.

We’ve had people along the way. We had a Thrivent, a friend with Thrivent and we had some money with Thrivent. So we had somebody kind of helping us there and da da da. But nobody really as a financial advisor.

And so when I was asking Connie about that, she probably took a breath for half a second and said, I’ve got a name for you. His name is Ryan.

And so I was the first one who came Roger and I were the first ones who came to Ryan. And, honestly, once we met and once we met, it was like instantly I had this feeling that I could rely on Ryan. And Ryan, I know you’re very humble but you were amazing and you helped us pull our picture together. And even you know yeah I could not have done that without you.

And yeah so I’m well thank you.

Then Jan got me coming to Raj. I did. Jan, Jim and Ryan.

Right after the day I was here the day we I called Sand right when I got home and I said Sandy you need to go to Ryan And you did.

Kind of in the same situation. We had money here. We had a few different things to and you just helped us pull it all together and see I mean, yeah, it’s just been a you’ve been a godsend, honestly, because it’s just I don’t know how I would have done it without you.

Well, you’re both too kind, first of all, but I I I will say this.

I am blessed to work for an organization that believes very strongly in not being salespeople and not being brokers who just focus on investments, but being holistic financial planners. And I think that’s where that’s that’s one of the biggest benefits to working with someone on your finances, to having a third party that you hire to be your financial advisor is if they have the heart that wants to know about everything so we can help with everything, that that really helps in these transition periods where you at least have somebody who knows where everything is. Even if we don’t manage everything for you, we know where it is, we know who to call.

We’ve set up kind of these checks and balances to make sure that if something were to happen to either of you, that the other one, especially if the one who lives the longest life is the one who is the least financially interested or savvy feels confident that, hey, we’ve got things together.

And for us too, Ryan, I’m just gonna break in here. Two things.

Holistic I love that word because when I was thinking about pinnacle wealth and where you work and I feel that when I walk in I feel like you all care about us. And there and it isn’t just our money. You don’t want our just our money because we don’t have that much of it.

But Speak for yourself.

I was gonna say, more more now after this podcast, I’m sure it’s gonna go viral, and, yeah, your check will be in the mail.

That’s right.

No. But, honestly, that that holistic you care about our whole you our whole being, and I love that.

It’s the first time in my life I’ve ever had, we’ve ever had anybody.

I know.

Like us, is.

For me too.

It’s not a business, it’s a personal thing.

It is, it is.

Well, that’s the way we all feel about it. I feel honestly, I mean, Dave Ramsey, one of things Dave Ramsey teaches, and he’s not for everybody, but he always says, find somebody with the heart of a teacher because at the heart of a teacher, as you know, as a teacher, the best teachers are people that you go, You know what?

I know they care about me.

And so now I’m interested in what they to And so try to find someone who can help you as a couple if you have not been through this before, but maybe you’re a pre retirement or in retirement and saying, you know, yeah, you know, there are a lot of, we deal with a lot of males in particular who are do it yourselfers, who say, I do the investments myself, you know, But I would argue that you better make sure that your significant other feels the same.

Because if they don’t, they’re gonna be on their own to figure out why you were invested the way you were, how you were planning on taking income, how that impacts taxes.

And your spouse might not be as interested as you are in So it may be worth it to start a relationship while you’re both alive, which we both did. We did in both of your cases, where the husband and the wife get to feel comfortable with someone and feel comfortable that, you know what, when the Lord calls me home, I can go home with confidence that my spouse is taken care of.

Beyond that, I feel so good that my children when I go home to be with the Lord and Roger, know that they have a place to come and it’s all one place where they can get it all figured out. Right.

Or you have it all figured out and it it just I mean, there’s such a peace of mind in that respect to us.

You are. For sure.

My kids are the same way.

They’re just they are so grateful Yep.

That I’ve been able to do this, and I’ve gone over a lot of the plan with them, and so they’re comfortable with it. And, no. It’s just it’s just been a wonderful situation.

Well, now that we’ve painted the rosy picture. Yeah. And Ryan feels good about himself. Yeah.

Now, now, let’s get into some of the stuff that’s a little bit harder because it’s it’s one thing to plan for these things and to have a plan in place but it’s another thing to actually go through this in in real in real time. There’s grief. There’s all kinds of there’s all kinds of advice that you get in the middle of grief. None of us know when we are going home to be with the lord or when our spouse is, so you can prepare to an extent, but you can’t be fully prepared.

So there were some things that maybe maybe each of you weren’t prepared for that may have been a surprise. Would you guys be willing to share with with us what what were some of the surprises for you after your spouse died that maybe you just hadn’t even considered before that might be helpful for our audience?

Well, in my case, my husband had Alzheimer’s, so I had time before he passed to prepare some things before he died. Like I had my, checking account in my kids’ names and my savings, our savings account, and it had gotten and gone down to our our lawyer and put the kids’ names on our Yeah. And everything that I could.

Right. Change. And having them be the power of attorney so they could yep.

So they were just so they that was all that I thought. Wow. This is great. And then when he went to Social Security and checked out what’s gonna happen, I didn’t get it, you know, figured out yet. But once he passed, I did. But, you know, it was, like, really peace of mind for them, peace of mind for me, and I’m, oh, I’m good. I made a whole big folder of all this stuff I’ve been doing.

Super organized. Sandy is super organized.

And labeled and things like that. Then, because my husband was in the military, there were in the reserves for many years, I didn’t realize some of the things that would be available possibly after he passed. I knew and we had started getting a few benefits maybe a year before he passed, which we we didn’t even know we could do those years before. But, anyway, so after he passed, I found out that there were some survival benefits you could apply for. There was a grave marker that could be paid for, but you have to do apply for all this stuff. And that was more of a hassle for me because I had to go through all of his old papers, didn’t find everything, but tried to find everything that the military required to apply for all these things. So that took me almost a year after he passed.

Well, and we’re talking about one of the more organized families with where they, you know, had their documents. I mean, Jim was very organized. You were very organized.

You know, a lot of military families have things, you know, pretty organized, but it doesn’t mean that it’s gonna be a two week process and everything’s gonna be better now. Right? It’s it takes a while. So what what what are the expectations? What expectations should people have for a timeframe for when to get back to kind of a new normal?

Well, I’m still working on one thing, and June’s been gone a year and a half.

It’s through the military, it’s a survivor benefit, which I don’t even know that I would qualify for, but someone encouraged me to do it. This guy keeps checking on and says, Well, your number’s coming up pretty soon. That was over a year ago. And so I’m not even planning on that, but things like that.

And I’m fine if it doesn’t work out. But it’s like, you know, you just I don’t know. The first year the first after they’ve died right away, it’s you’re just grieving so much. You don’t even think about all the things that maybe need to be done.

Now the next year, like this it’s been over a year now and now I’m realizing he’s not coming back, there’s things that just really I have to do because it’s not going get done if I don’t. And I don’t have a lot of things to do, but it just takes a long time and you have to be patient and you have to be diligent about checking on things all the time.

And it isn’t even that stuff. It’s just everything that all of a sudden you’re alone and you’re making decisions about things not necessarily financial things but just life.

Right.

And life decisions that you think we’ve always kind of relied on each other for those kinds of things and I think that’s something that has been, it’s like wow I should have had a V eight. Sort of a feeling whenever that happens and it happens so many times that you just want somebody there to say Could you just tell me what to do?

We’ve had those conversations haven’t Yes, we have, we have.

And I was gonna say I didn’t have quite as much like of the paperwork kind of things you had, Sam, but you know just kind of again pulling things together and signing papers and doing things I remember talking to you Ryan after two or three months and just saying oh my gosh it feels like there’s always something that and I can’t be specific about what it is but it just you had said to me so calmly just you know if you’re four to six months even it it can take four to six months because I was thinking okay like you I I was pretty organized.

Two weeks ago yeah I was kind of planning I mean I knew Roger we he was in hospice so I knew he was dying but I don’t think you ever really know that they’re dying until they die and anyway but I do remember you just advising me or telling me Jan it’s gonna take you know it’s gonna take some time and I’m not the most patient person in the world so I wanted that sooner but anyway.

There so many things that are out of your control at that point. Not only have you lost your spouse but you’re dealing with multiple government organizations, multiple private organizations, all of whom have their own timelines that they will respond when they want to. And so one of the things that we found is the hardest to take is when you’re not getting responses from these And you have to make multiple phone calls and talk to multiple different people in order to get one thing accomplished.

I remember doing that with you, Ryan, and I was so grateful for you because you would say, we’re just gonna sit here and we’ll do this together. And I’m not one who likes to make those kind of phone calls.

And it was so Or even know how to make those No, know and it was so was great.

I know it really felt so much easier to be able to sit with you and you were always honestly when I would call you and say Ryan what about this and you’d say just come on over I you know I’d set up an appointment or something or I wouldn’t even I would pop in sometimes even I’m sure Probably while I was golfing, taking nap.

Yeah.

Kind of all. It’s usually napping when I get home.

Yeah. Usually napping.

But but, we I mean, we had multiple conversations. I mean, there there’s difficult things. I mean, if you if you have a student loan that you still have your name on, or if you have a debt that hasn’t been paid off of some kind, and it has your spouse’s name on it, and they won’t talk to you because it’s not your social security. There are so many of these things that you just take for granted that become issues if they don’t get taken care of. So I guess one idea is this bigger picture of financial planning and how helpful that is. But even when you do financial planning, it’s gonna be at least a four to six month process.

If you don’t have a plan in place, this is where we see the stories that we have trusts that go on for twenty years after they were supposed to, that things don’t get wrapped up and we end up with money sitting at the state and unclaimed property.

And those become bigger disasters that, yeah, it’s not months, we’re talking years to fix. And so some of this preplanning and this holistic planning really does save years of time to have access to the wealth that you’ve accumulated so that you can use it for what you feel called to moving forward and kind of creating this new normal. So I guess let’s transition to the kind of this last phase of this creating a new normal.

How did you guys, you’ll hear a lot of counselors and a lot of people, well meaning people that will say, hey, don’t make any financial decisions for the first year after your spouse passes away.

And although that’s very good advice, it’s also missed opportunities too. So for example, if you are filing jointly, this will be the last year that you file jointly, and when you move to filing as a single individual, right now our tax code says you pay a higher tax rate if you make the same amount of income.

Well, not only that, your Social Security goes from two Social Securities to one. Even if you get the step up to the bigger one, you’re still living on a lower income. And for most of us, living on at a higher tax rate on a lower income. It’s called the widow’s tax.

It’s a terrible thing for anyone in the government listening. Please do call our office. I would love to talk to you about that. It’s a terrible thing that needs to be but it is what it is for right now.

So these provide planning opportunities that require fairly quick decisions, especially if you lose a spouse in the second half of the year. If your spouse dies in October, it doesn’t give you a lot of time to do Roth conversions or things like that in the last year that you can file at a higher tax rate. So we’ll write an article on this and we’ll provide a link in this podcast to explain some of those details on the specifics more. But just talk to me about this idea of how do you move forward in a way that’s still productive and making progress and purposeful in this new norm? How did you find purpose, a kind of new purpose in your lives? Both of you really were caretakers for a number of years with your spouses.

And so you go from multiple doctor’s appointments per week, so you’re all over the place, to what does life look like kinda getting to make my own schedule?

And what does a new normal look like? How did you transition into that?

Well, I feel like for me, I was so stuck at home really. I mean, had I did have a gal that would come four or five hours a week that would come and stay with Jim if I needed to go places. But when I needed to go, it was usually to a doctor’s appointment or to get grocery or something like that. Although I could take Jim along, he didn’t always wanna stay in the car the whole time.

Anyway, so that was when Jim passed. It was like, wow. I have freedom, but what do I really wanna do? You know?

And I just I, you know, I I took my time, I think. I I mean, I you just take you have to take time grieving, but I was able to Jan and I, both of us, we we had our mother to take care of too before our husbands died. Our mother died six months before Jim died. K.

And so she was in she was in a facility, but she was very needy For a lot of things. And so Jan and I were the ones that did that. So we would always have all our husbands alone. You know?

So we we felt like we did have a lot of caregiving going on, and it’s just because we we there are our loved ones, and we did it. We wanted to do it. But then once, you know, that was kind of all over with, it was like, woah. You’re right.

You have to think about, what do I wanna do? And I wasn’t real quick to just jump into the things I used to do. I was I’m gonna this you know, I’ve done stuff so so many years of my life in different in the church and doing things. I kinda wanna start doing some things that I really want to do, but, you know, just something that’s gonna fulfill me a little bit more.

Well, and haven’t had the opportunity And haven’t had. To do things that are, you know and I don’t wanna say, like, me focused, but there needs to be some okay. You know, there’s some things that I really wanna accomplish and some purpose in my life Right. That now I have the freedom and the time and the schedule to do.

And I feel guilty about it. That’s my I’m always a feel guilty person.

I think you’re not alone.

Yeah. And you just think, well, I don’t want it to be all about me like you said.

But, you know, and with Jan, we we kind of gone through a lot of this together with our with our husbands dying so close together and be and just being so close.

So that has has helped me a lot. And I’ve got wonderful friends, and I got two of my children here in town, one in Omaha.

I don’t know. It’s just, you know, you just start relying on those kinds of things. And I have I think for the first year first year, it was, you know, it was difficult. It was just like you feel like you’re just kinda going through the motions to to be with people and do things, and then you start realizing, well, this is going to be your life for the rest of the way the rest of your life.

He’s not coming back, and and you don’t wish that, but it’s it’s it’s a big transition. And I never thought I’d be going through this kind of a no. You don’t when you’re younger, you don’t think of this happening. And so as we get to be our age, and now I’m now I’ve got friends that are now going through this same thing.

And so I feel like I I wanted to help them if I can and you know, we all just kinda need each other.

I do.

It helps us all get through it all. And so it’s I’m in a good place right now. I feel like I’m, you know, I’m having good time getting together with friends, and life is just different.

Yeah.

You know, it’s not as much fun to go a different play like traveling or Yeah.

Going places, but it’s you just do what you can do and be grateful for what you have. I’m so grateful for I have a lot in my life that I’m grateful for.

I would agree, Sam, that oh my gosh. I had I that first year after Roger died, it was really hard because I had I was so he he needed me so much. I was ninety five percent of how he got anywhere. And I really had to be there when he was moving from place to place. So it was really pretty constant, his caregiving.

And I think after he died, I just felt like, what what’s my purpose anymore? He was my purpose for two and a half years, and and I was grateful for my for him to be my purpose too. I really was. We we had for as hard as it was, we had some beautiful times too.

And but it was it was hard. And and I felt too like, you know, I was just kind of doing what I needed to do, going through the motions. Our kids, you know, my kids were always wanting to make sure, how are you doing, mom? And I was always bucking up and Doing fine.

But I and Sand and I had each other, and we relied so much on each other and had similar interests, obviously, and I had my church. I mean, do. I have a full life, but it’s not quite as full as it used to be. And so it is a matter of you could either stay home and be sad or just kind of get moving.

And I’m you know, we both volunteer. We both go to coffee. We both you know, we’ve just we we do things.

And You both went on a trip.

Went on a cruise. Riding a cruise. Yes.

Yep.

And and we are going to Florida together, and I’m going yes. So, I mean, we are continuing to to do things. It’s not the fun that it used to be. That’s for sure. But, you know, you we’re finding.

Right.

We are. We are. And we’re not yeah. We’re not gone yet. No.

So I’m hearing finding the support system is really Absolutely.

Yeah.

Yeah. And I was in a I was in an Alzheimer’s group. You and now we’re in a grief grief kind of a grief group that Jen’s formed through our their church.

And that’s been wonderful too to talk to other people that well, you’re not alone going through this.

Yeah. You know? And that’s just been a to me, I just have really enjoyed that too.

Yeah. Well and I think at at Pinnacle, we would like to start a a widow’s group at some point. So we if if we do that, we will link some information to that to this podcast.

For anyone who’s interested, who doesn’t have a group, if you already have the support, you don’t have to Right.

Have fifteen different support groups.

You certainly can make us one of yours.

But Right.

If you don’t have someone out there to lean on, there are people who love you and care about you, who want to invest in you, and make sure that you’re you know you’re not alone in this.

Absolutely. And Yep. Yeah. If I if I would’ve known I was gonna be a widow, I would’ve loved a group like that. You know? Just, I mean, I was I was in a group before Jim died at our church was but was led by one of our doctors in the congregation, which was wonderful. But, you know, it’s just it’s I just think it’s important when you are going through this too.

Any any illness doesn’t have to be Alzheimer’s but any group is just really helpful and there’s just so many things you can learn from each other.

Well not only that, you’ve got a community of people who are sort of going through something similar and there’s a closeness that you develop that you really it’s unique. And you just yeah, it’s not something that everybody understands because they haven’t been through it. And I certainly didn’t understand it before Roger died.

And, you know, I hope I’m You bond with these people that you probably would never know before.

So you find new Yep.

New ways of bonding.

Connections.

Then we also you know, somebody will say, well, have you taken care of this yet? And, know, you kind of things kind of just which would be awesome to have a group like that here. Wonderful. I would would have loved it. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, and and I guess my prayer would be that everyone listening has a Sandy or a Jan in their life or both. Not everyone has a sister.

Right.

Who who they live in the same town and have have the relationship that these two have. So I just wanna really thank you guys for being on the podcast and sharing your story today. Why don’t we close with this? If you guys have any advice for someone who who has recently lost a spouse, what if you could narrow that advice down to, you know, a couple of talking points. What what would you tell somebody listening who who this is fresh and they’re feeling like, you know, I’m in a fog right now and I don’t know what to do. What would you tell those people?

I would hope I would tell somebody else who has maybe gone through this to reach out because it’s something that you if you’ve gone through it and Sandy and I are much more sensitive to what somebody else might need or want if they’re going through this because we’ve been through it and I just think that finding someone To hang on to And Yeah.

I I agree. I mean, you just never dreamed you were gonna be doing this. No.

Yeah. If you can just find someone well, like I was saying, I have a couple friends that are going through this same thing with their husbands who are having Alzheimer’s, and they’re they’re doing what they can, but they’re reaping anything they can get from anybody else that’s gone through it. And, I mean, that’s I to me, that’s just the best thing you can do.

Makes you feel wants us to do.

We have to be there for each other. And yeah.

One of my past used to say we were not made to live life alone.

Right.

Right. We’re made to be in community and community is so important.

It is.

When you’re going through hard times. Yeah. But also when people around you are going through hard times. Right. Because sometimes you you need to be that rock.

Right.

That somebody can lean on. So we would encourage you all to to find some community then. And if you don’t have community right now, I’ll volunteer Sandy and Jan.

Yes. Call Sandy and Jan. Yeah.

The coffee’s on us.

Oh. Yeah.

We would we would love to introduce you to to some people who can can be your support system.

So thank you two so much for being on. Thank you for just being authentic women who are willing to share share your stories, talk about your your husbands who are great men. I hope that this is an honoring time in in their memory and an honoring time to your marriages. And, hopefully, your kids are listening to this at some point, And they’ve they’ve cracked a smile at some point. I would imagine they do anytime you can get together. So yeah.

No. They roll their eyes.

They roll their eyes. And then they smile.

And they’re but they know they’re going to be us someday. Yeah. They yeah. They’re bordering into my Yeah.

Well, thank you, Ryan.

Yes. Thank you.

Thank you so much for being on. And for you listening, we hope that you join us for another podcast, of the True Wealth podcast, and, we will talk to you soon.

Thanks, Ryan, and a huge shout of thanks and gratitude to Jan and Sandy for sharing their stories. I am confident this is gonna speak to so many listeners because some of the most meaningful conversations don’t just happen in classrooms and conference rooms. They happen when people with shared experiences sit together, unhurried, open, and honest. So if this speaks to you and you’d like to learn more about starting or joining a coffee and conversations group, reach out, start a conversation, and invite others. Or you can send us a note to infopinnaclewealth dot com. If you’d like to jumpstart the process, call us at six zero five two seven one six zero two three. Or if you’re outside the six zero five area code, toll free works eight six six five seven five two five zero zero.

If you enjoyed today’s episodes, be sure to like it, subscribe or follow, and then share it with a friend. True wealth is meant to be shared, and sometimes all it takes is a solid cup of coffee and a simple conversation. Thanks for joining us. We hope you’re experiencing a life of true wealth and a life confidently enjoyed. We’ll see you again soon.

Guests on the True Wealth podcast are not affiliated with CWM LLC.

Investment advisory services are offered through CWM LLC, an SEC registered investment advisor.